Couples Arguing, Couples Bickering, What’s the Difference?
Some couples describe themselves as never arguing, and it’s true that some of them don’t argue very often at all. For a lot of these couples, though, there is a low level of bickering during much of the time they spend together, and this is just as hard on a relationship as having louder arguments. Even when bickering doesn’t escalate, it can be destructive to the relationship. There are a couple of things that set apart non-desctructive bickering from the kind that hurts your relationship.
Bickering is destructive when it contains either criticism or contempt, even if the conflict is just about dirty socks. Contempt is present when one partner is expressing superiority over the other, implying that their partner is below them. Eye rolling is a good sign that contempt is happening. The antidote to contempt is increasing the appreciation and respect in the relationship. Criticism is not as harmful as contempt, and some amount of it seeps into most happy relationships from time to time. However, the more criticism in your relationship, the higher the chance that you will not maintain a happy relationship. Criticism is present when you talk about a problem as if it is all the fault of your partner, or as if the problem is inside your partner. An antidote to criticism is to complain and not blame.
You know that bickering is not harmful when both partners stay on the topic at hand. Even if the conflict is frustrating, the spirit of it is respectful. Healthy bickering sounds more like “I really disagree with you about this, and I’m really annoyed about it.” Healthy bickering may sound like an oxymoron, but it’s actually quite possible.
To find out more about how I work with couples to improve communication, visit my practice website at
annieschuessler.com
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