Couples: Can You Tolerate the Negative Stuff?
Can you tolerate the negative stuff?
One of the markers of couples who can make it through rough patches is an ability to tolerate each other’s most difficult feelings. If you can tolerate your partner’s sadness, anger, and anxiety, then you don’t need to push your partner away when you see those feelings coming. I don’t mean that you just need to put up with your partner’s negative emotions, I mean that you have to actually accept those emotions and be willing to tune in to your partner at those painful moments.
If your partner knows they can be near you when they feel sad or anxious, they see you as a safe haven. They don’t hold back parts of themselves or parts of their experiences. This leads to deeper trust and intimacy. You may feel squeamish reading this, and you may believe that you shouldn’t be responsible for your partner’s feelings or bad moods. What I’m talking about is accepting and attuning to your partner, but not taking those feelings on yourself, or fixing your partner’s problems. Sometimes you can show this kind of acceptance without saying a word. Just try staying near your partner when they look sad or complain. That alone can help your partner feel understood and loved.
In a few days I’ll talk about something else we need to tolerate; something that can also make a big difference: tolerating two points of view.
To find out more about how I help couples stay connected and get through conflict, visit my practice website at http://www.annieschuessler.com/
I think this information is something that I would like to really and honestly make use of. I have put myself in a position to be more defensive and lash out with insults as oppose to just being patient, accepting, and well plain ignoring some of the comments my husband makes towards me that I don’t like. As a result, it just causes tension (even if I did feel justified)in the house. I really would like to work on rebuilding more trust and intimacy that we use to have when we dated. I just honestly feel a little lost right now and feel that I can go too far (again even if I feel I was provoked or even if I was justigied). I would really like to know legitimate steps on reinventing myself to being who I know I am towards others but be more for my husband.
lkanony
February 16, 2011
Thanks for your comment. Accepting your partner’s negative emotions is really hard, I agree. I think you make a great point that some of the hard work is being who we are with others (compassionate and patient), even though everything feels more loaded with one’s partner.
Annie
Annie Schuessler
February 16, 2011