Couples Communicating with the Glass Half Empty
Evidence suggests that the circuits in our brains that handle negative information are more sensitive than the circuits that handle positive information. We’re built to notice the negative, and even to interpret neutral information negatively.
How might this affect a typical day in the life of your relationship?
Your partner says, “Did you make that phone call today?” You can easily hear that as a criticism of your follow through skills. It could just be that your partner is asking a judgment-free question. From the other side, let’s say you come home from work tired and crabby. Your partner is likely to assume that your crabbiness is aimed at them, and they might assume you are being distant because you are upset about something they did wrong.
So what can we do about this?
We can hold in mind that we are likely to see the glass as half empty. We can remember that our perceptions of others are not always accurate. We can back up and listen to our negative interpretations the way we would listen to an overdramatic friend. They might be right, but they might be exaggerating.
Maybe you could ask, for example: “I might be misinterpreting this. Are you asking about the call because you think I’m going to forget?”
You can also reassure your partner. If your partner is reacting defensively to a neutral comment or question, remember that we’re built to interpret things negatively. Don’t get caught up in feeling badly that your partner is feeling defensive. That could lead to a pointless back and forth of defensiveness. Just say that you didn’t mean it as a criticism. You just might be able to sidestep a fruitless argument.
To find out more about how I help couples connect, visit my website at
annieschuessler.com
