Can't Stop Arguing

Couples Arguing, Couples Bickering, What’s the Difference?

Annie Schuessler — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 22:40:23 +0000

Some couples describe themselves as never arguing, and it’s true that some of them don’t argue very often at all. For a lot of these couples, though, there is a low level of bickering during much of the time they spend together, and this is just as hard on a relationship as having louder arguments. Even when bickering doesn’t escalate, it can be destructive to the relationship. There are a couple of things that set apart non-desctructive bickering from the kind that hurts your relationship.
Bickering is destructive when it contains either criticism or contempt, even if the conflict is just about dirty socks. Contempt is present when one partner is expressing superiority over the other, implying that their partner is below them. Eye rolling is a good sign that contempt is happening. The antidote to contempt is increasing the appreciation and respect in the relationship. Criticism is not as harmful as contempt, and some amount of it seeps into most happy relationships from time to time. However, the more criticism in your relationship, the higher the chance that you will not maintain a happy relationship. Criticism is present when you talk about a problem as if it is all the fault of your partner, or as if the problem is inside your partner. An antidote to criticism is to complain and not blame.
You know that bickering is not harmful when both partners stay on the topic at hand. Even if the conflict is frustrating, the spirit of it is respectful. Healthy bickering sounds more like “I really disagree with you about this, and I’m really annoyed about it.” Healthy bickering may sound like an oxymoron, but it’s actually quite possible.

To find out more about how I work with couples to improve communication, visit my practice website at
annieschuessler.com

Couples Communicating with the Glass Half Empty

Annie Schuessler — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 02:50:38 +0000

Evidence suggests that the circuits in our brains that handle negative information are more sensitive than the circuits that handle positive information. We’re built to notice the negative, and even to interpret neutral information negatively.
How might this affect a typical day in the life of your relationship?
Your partner says, “Did you make that phone call today?” You can easily hear that as a criticism of your follow through skills. It could just be that your partner is asking a judgment-free question. From the other side, let’s say you come home from work tired and crabby. Your partner is likely to assume that your crabbiness is aimed at them, and they might assume you are being distant because you are upset about something they did wrong.
So what can we do about this?
We can hold in mind that we are likely to see the glass as half empty. We can remember that our perceptions of others are not always accurate. We can back up and listen to our negative interpretations the way we would listen to an overdramatic friend. They might be right, but they might be exaggerating.
Maybe you could ask, for example: “I might be misinterpreting this. Are you asking about the call because you think I’m going to forget?”
You can also reassure your partner. If your partner is reacting defensively to a neutral comment or question, remember that we’re built to interpret things negatively. Don’t get caught up in feeling badly that your partner is feeling defensive. That could lead to a pointless back and forth of defensiveness. Just say that you didn’t mean it as a criticism. You just might be able to sidestep a fruitless argument.

To find out more about how I help couples connect, visit my website at
annieschuessler.com

Couple Time: Do You Have Enough in Your Schedule?

Annie Schuessler — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 20:21:23 +0000

Creating a loving, safe relationship takes work. We’ve got to consistently work on it, mess up, and repair it, over and over again. Having the right communication tools helps a lot. Without the right tools, we all have a tendency to fall into damaging patterns some of the time. We might get critical or defensive, we might not express enough appreciation, or we might forget to listen. But tools are not enough.
You also need to have enough time together. When you look at your schedule, how much time do you find that you spend one on one with your partner, actually focused on each other? I know it’s not easy to find enough time. We’re all in the same soup. We live busy lives and have extremely limited down time.
Perhaps the only control we have about this time problem is to spend a little more time hanging out, and a little less time online or in front of the TV at the end of the day. Just notice whether it makes a difference when you spend a little down time with your mate, catching up and laughing together. It might take more effort than zoning out and watching TV or surfing the web. But if that’s the time you have to work with, try a little experiment of extending the time you focus on your partner by just a few minutes, and see what comes of it.
A woman once told me that she was worried that she and her wife had lost their connection. They were arguing a lot, and feeling irritated with each other most of the time. She wasn’t looking forward to spending time together. Then she noticed that when they spent at least a few hours together, unplugged, she felt more connected, and stopped feeling irritated with her. These few hours could get them through a week of feeling hectic and not having time to focus on each other. It was the shot of intimacy they needed to maintain their bond each week.
How much time do you think your relationship needs? Are you able to give it that time?

Visit my practice website at http://www.annieschuessler.com/ to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected

Get Married? Move in Together?

Annie Schuessler — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 19:02:42 +0000

Jaleh Donaldson recently interviewed me about the important decision couples make about how and when to commit to each other. To read the article, follow this link:
Interview

To learn more about how I help couples work through important decisions and learn to make decisions together, visit my practice website www.annieschuessler.com

Couples: Can You Tolerate Having Two Points of View?

Annie Schuessler — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 22:56:32 +0000

In my last post, I discussed why we need to tolerate and tune in to the most negative emotions our partners experience. Staying close in those times can make a huge difference in staying connected over the long-term.
The other important and challenging thing to tolerate in relationships is the existence of two valid points of view. John Gottman, PhD. of the Gottman Institute, has found through research that couples who can tolerate having differing points of view while in arguments are more likely to stay together and get closer. In the heat of an argument, this is hard to do. We all tend to fall into repeating ourselves and arguing for our own position. We tend to listen with the intention of making our next statement. When I’m arguing with my partner, it’s easy to fall into feeling like: “If I can just say this one more time, it’s going to be obvious that I’m right here.”
What we need to remember is that our partners also have a point of view that makes sense to them, based on their reality. If you can work on tolerating that different reality, even when you don’t agree with it, your relationship will be stronger.

To find out more about how I help couples stay connected, visit www.annieschuessler.com

Couples: Can You Tolerate the Negative Stuff?

Annie Schuessler — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 18:15:06 +0000

Can you tolerate the negative stuff?

One of the markers of couples who can make it through rough patches is an ability to tolerate each other’s most difficult feelings. If you can tolerate your partner’s sadness, anger, and anxiety, then you don’t need to push your partner away when you see those feelings coming. I don’t mean that you just need to put up with your partner’s negative emotions, I mean that you have to actually accept those emotions and be willing to tune in to your partner at those painful moments.

If your partner knows they can be near you when they feel sad or anxious, they see you as a safe haven. They don’t hold back parts of themselves or parts of their experiences. This leads to deeper trust and intimacy. You may feel squeamish reading this, and you may believe that you shouldn’t be responsible for your partner’s feelings or bad moods. What I’m talking about is accepting and attuning to your partner, but not taking those feelings on yourself, or fixing your partner’s problems. Sometimes you can show this kind of acceptance without saying a word. Just try staying near your partner when they look sad or complain. That alone can help your partner feel understood and loved.

In a few days I’ll talk about something else we need to tolerate; something that can also make a big difference: tolerating two points of view.

To find out more about how I help couples stay connected and get through conflict, visit my practice website at http://www.annieschuessler.com/

Sexual Desire in Your Long Term Relationship

Annie Schuessler — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 00:03:32 +0000

The vast majority of couples have a lot less sex and sexual desire for each other after the first year. Not a news flash. For some couples, that decrease in sexual frequency isn’t a problem, and both people are pretty comfortable with the amount of sex they’re having. But for a lot of couples, the decrease in desire and in sex feels upsetting, and may even feel like evidence that they have failed at sex.

Ester Perel, couples therapist and author of Mating in Captivity, talks about how having an excellent bond doesn’t always equal having an excellent sex life. For a lot of couples, long-term commitment seems to bring with it a lack of innovation, a lack of spontaneity, and an abandonment of attempts to woo each other.

In order to bring back the desire, many couples find that they need to work at it. In the beginning of relationships, people actually DO tend to do a lot of work to have sex with their partner, and to make that sex work well. It just seems effortless because desire and arousal levels are so high. Many couples have to accept that sex won’t come quite as easily over the long haul, and that its ok to put some work into your sex life. Is it possible to embrace this as part of the evolution of your relationship, rather than as a failure? You may need to change your mindset around success and failure in your sex life. It isn’t a failure if you have to set aside time for sex, or remind yourself to dress up on a date with your partner. Failure is when you or your partner feels dissatisfied or unwanted. Success is finding a way to keep your sexual connection alive.

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email or find out more about how I help couples stay connected.

What Leads to Betrayal for Couples?

Annie Schuessler — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 02:29:33 +0000

John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute have been doing research lately about betrayal in couples. They have been studying what leads up to betrayal, and how to heal from it effectively. As always, they use their research to figure out how to help real couples. Let’s start with that first question: What leads one partner to betray another? One surprise the Gottmans uncovered is that conflict avoidance with your partner can lead to betrayal. Avoiding conflict, or not speaking up when something is bothering you, is in a sense keeping a secret. Over time, conflict avoidance can make you feel more and more accustomed to keeping secrets from your partner. Getting into the habit of keeping small secrets makes it too easy to create a larger secret life, and that can lead to betrayal.

As much as we all hate arguing, this research shows us that we need to talk about the difficult stuff. It’s important to know how to get through conflict without damaging your relationship. Thanks to the work of the Gottmans, we know that all the work we do to learn good conflict management skills is helping prevent distance and betrayal in our relationships.

Visit my practice website at

www.annieschuessler.com

to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples get better at arguing.

Moving In Together: The Best and Worst of Times

Annie Schuessler — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 23:24:00 +0000

Most couples I’ve met have a lot of struggle in the process of moving in together. This struggle often catches couples by surprise because they see moving in as such a positive step. A lot of times, the arguments are about whose things go where, how to handle chores, and different approaches to money. Those are valid things to argue about. But usually underneath those arguments are bigger fears and hopes.

One common argument is about how to merge your stuff. Here’s an example. Tina feels resentful that Tom doesn’t want to put up her painting. He says there isn’t room and it doesn’t go with the space. Yes, she is upset about the painting, she feels hurt and resentful because she’s having fear about being loved and important to her partner. Perhaps this increase in commitment has made that fear more tender, so the painting issue brings it right on up.

Here’s another example of a common struggle: During the exhausting moving process, John snaps at Jane about feeling that he’s doing more than his fair share of the work. Jane gets angry in return, and an argument about who’s done what escalates. John may have a fear of being lonely and uncared for, and that Jane won’t be there for him. He has a hope that this relationship will continue to grow and that they will be able to rely on each other. So that fear gets triggered just by doing some of the moving work alone.

In moving in together, it’s important to remember that you are both likely to be more edgy and vulnerable. When we know what the deeper fears are under our arguments, we have a better chance to get comfort and actually get our needs met.

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected through the stresses of life.

Arguing in a Rut: Why is it So Hard To Change How We Fight?

Annie Schuessler — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 03:54:04 +0000

I’ll start with something that doesn’t seem related to our arguments, but you’ll see why it is.

Dan Ariely, professor of psychology at Duke University studied people’s relationships with their dentists. It turns out that the more money we spend with our dentist, and the more painful treatments we receive, the more loyal we are, and the less we question the diagnoses and recommendations our dentists make. He also discovered that our dentists are correct only about 50% of the time when diagnosing which teeth have cavities in need of being filled. We tend to be more loyal to our dentists than other professionals who hurt us less.

Why?

When we have invested ourselves in something painful and costly, we really want to believe all that suffering has been for a good reason. So we have a hard time questioning those decisions. Ariely likens this to Stockholm syndrome.

How does this relate to arguing with your most beloved? Even though we want to stop arguing so much or so painfully, perhaps there is a part of us that says, “I’ve put in this much painful energy, this is no time to stop. Questioning our harshest criticisms and most self-righteous positions with our partners might feel like a risky thing to do because we’ve invested so much already.

Giving up on being right may feel like admitting defeat. Digging in our heels might feel like the right thing to do, even though it leads to so much anguish.

So in this case, it’s not a person we’re being irrationally loyal to, it’s a position and a set of beliefs. So I’m curious: Are there any old beliefs that you might be holding on to, that perhaps don’t really help you or your relationship? Would you feel you’d lost too much if you softened some of your judgments or questioned your own righteousness?

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples change the way they argue