Arguing in a Rut: Why is it So Hard To Change How We Fight?

I’ll start with something that doesn’t seem related to our arguments, but you’ll see why it is.

Dan Ariely, professor of psychology at Duke University studied people’s relationships with their dentists.  It turns out that the more money we spend with our dentist, and the more painful treatments we receive, the more loyal we are, and the less we question the diagnoses and recommendations our dentists make.  He also discovered that our dentists are correct only about 50% of the time when diagnosing which teeth have cavities in need of being filled.  We tend to be more loyal to our dentists than other professionals who hurt us less.

Why?

When we have invested ourselves in something painful and costly, we really want to believe all that suffering has been for a good reason.  So we have a hard time questioning those decisions.  Ariely likens this to Stockholm syndrome.

How does this relate to arguing with your most beloved?  Even though we want to stop arguing so much or so painfully, perhaps there is a part of us that says, “I’ve put in this much painful energy, this is no time to stop.   Questioning our harshest criticisms and most self-righteous positions with our partners might feel like a risky thing to do because we’ve invested so much already.

Giving up on being right may feel like admitting defeat.  Digging in our heels might feel like the right thing to do, even though it leads to so much anguish.

So in this case, it’s not a person we’re being irrationally loyal to, it’s a position and a set of beliefs.  So I’m curious: Are there any old beliefs that you might be holding on to, that perhaps don’t really help you or your relationship? Would you feel you’d lost too much if you softened some of your judgments or questioned your own righteousness?

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples change the way they argue

Relationship Role Models: Why They Help

Do you look up to any couples?  Is there a couple out there, near or far, who seem to have a relationship you would aspire to?  I think we all need that.  I don’t recommend comparing ourselves to others.  We don’t see the dirty laundry or private flaws of other couples, so comparisons can make us feel bad.  It’s not comparison I’m talking about.  It’s inspiration.

My friends Valerie and George have been together for about 40 years.  They seem to make the world feel like a party.  They giggle together, show affection for each other, and they flirt.  They volunteer and don’t brag about it.  They do things together, and they do things apart.  They adore each other.

This couple inspires me because my relationship is younger than 40 years old, and it helps to hold them in my mind as a possibility.  They show me that it’s possible to have a lot of fun with your long-term partner after several decades, and that you can continue to make meaning together.

Maybe your parents had a happy relationship when you were growing up.  That gives you a great boost, because you know what is possible, and you know what a healthy relationship looks like.  If you grew up without that kind of role model, you can still find it.  Take a look around and see who has the kind of relationship you admire.

These role model couples are useful when we’re feeling frustrated or stuck with our partners.  We can hold a role model couple in our minds and ask, “How would they handle this situation?”  In the case of Valerie and George, the answer is usually that they would laugh.

 

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected.

 

Little Things to Help Your Relationship Work

Kissing your partner as they are leaving in the morning, texting hello at 11 a.m., asking “how was your day?”, making eye contact as your partner tells a story, making 2 cups of coffee instead of one, saying thanks for taking the trash out, kissing your partner good night.  These little, mundane actions (and things like them) are a HUGE part of what make our relationships work.  John Gottman, Ph.D. of the Gottman Institute, has researched couples for over 30 years.  We call these small moments “bids for connection”.  John Gottman’s research team found that the happiest, most solid relationships, have the most constant flow of bids for connection and positive responses to those bids.

These bids are like money in an emotional bank account. What does a withdrawal from the bank account look like?  We all get grouchy, we all get in arguments, and none of us can make and return bids for connection all the time.  If we’ve been trying our best to make and return those bids whenever we can, day by day, our relationships have the resiliency to get through those other days.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts about this post.  Do you consciously make these small daily efforts?  Do they come naturally to you, or do you have to give yourself a push?

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected.

 

Arguing with Your Partner? Or Really with Your Sibling?

You grew up with a brother who was your mother’s favorite.  Or you were always expected to be the responsible one because you were oldest.  Or you grew up thinking you were stupid because your sister was identified as extraordinarily smart.  These kinds of assigned roles and rivalries help to form not just our sibling relationships, but also how we see ourselves.  We sometimes respond to our partners in ways that come from our sibling relationships.  When you argue with your partner, it can be as if your siblings are sitting at the table with you.

 

For example, when Sally, an oldest sister, can’t get her partner to get something done, she might feel burdened and alone, and like a bit of a martyr.  She doesn’t realize a big part of what she’s reacting to is not her partner, but her little brother who she always had to take care of.  She’s simply tired of being the responsible one, and she’s not going to take it any more!

 

Meanwhile, her partner, Samantha, hears Sally’s requests as orders.  She feels criticized, nagged and unappreciated.  But she’s also not just responding to Sally.  She was the middle kid, and she never got much attention from her parents.  She saw her role in the family as being the “bad kid.”  When Sally and Samantha argue, they don’t realize there are 3 other people there with them!

 

We all struggle with these old roles that don’t fit anymore.  The best thing we can do for our current relationships is to know when our buttons are getting pushed.  When we know our buttons have been pushed, we can get back to what’s happening with our real partners in real time.  Sometimes it’s hard to know you’re reacting to an old sibling dynamic until after you’ve had an argument.  That’s okay.  If you figure it out after the argument this time, you’ll be more likely to figure it out during the argument next time, and eventually, before the argument has a chance to start.  It took quite a few years to form those sibling roles and rivalries, so you have to give yourself some time to get out from under them.

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts and reactions.  Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected.