Maybe you’re not talking about your sex life with your partner. You might feel like you don’t want to start another argument. Most couples hold back sharing some of what they truly want from each other sexually because they fear creating hurt feelings, rejection, or conflict. If you ask for what you want, you do risk those things. If you don’t ask for what you want, you GUARANTEE that you won’t have a more satisfying sexual connection with your partner. And the thing is, when you’re enjoying a good sexual connection with your partner, it is a lot easier to get through day-to-day conflicts. If your partner is meeting your sexual needs, it is easier to let some irritations go, and to communicate with a tone of fondness rather than resentment.
If you’re feeling that you’ve gotten into a sexual rut together, and you aren’t feeling excited or satisfied by your love-making, you need to take action. You need and deserve to have a sexual connection that makes you happy.
You have 2 choices about when to communicate with your partner. You can either talk about your desires when you’re not having sex, or communicate your desires while you’re being sexual together. Both are fine options, so you’ll have to do what feels most comfortable to you.
If you bring up what you’d like sexually when you’re both fully clothed, talk about your desires in a hopeful, excited, and open way. Make this an invitation to experience new things together rather than a criticism of the way you’ve been connecting sexually. Don’t bring up the issue of your desires as a problem, or even a serious issue. Giggling is encouraged. Your basic message to your partner is “I want to add some things to the menu of our sex life. I love you so much that I want to share some more (or new) desires with you. I want to hear if there are things you’ve been wanting to try too.”
If you prefer to communicate about your sexual hopes while you’re being sexual together, you can do it in a way that doesn’t kill the mood or make your partner insecure. Ask your partner in an upbeat and flirtatious way if you can try something new. Emphasize that your desire is about trying this with THEM, so that it is a compliment rather than a criticism.
Maybe you’re not sure what would make your sex life better, but you’re open and curious. Tell your partner that you’re ready to try some new things, and you want to find those things together. Read erotica together. Read sex guides together. Visit a sex toy store together either on-line or in person. You can find feminist stores where you’re likely to feel comfortable, and where the staff people are sex educators. Good Vibrations or Babes in Toyland are 2 examples.
The only bad option is to not communicate about your sexual needs. You deserve better than that.
For more information about how I help couples with sex and communication issues, visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com
Relationships and Communication 