Kissing your partner as they are leaving in the morning, texting hello at 11 a.m., asking “how was your day?”, making eye contact as your partner tells a story, making 2 cups of coffee instead of one, saying thanks for taking the trash out, kissing your partner good night. These little, mundane actions (and things like them) are a HUGE part of what make our relationships work. John Gottman, Ph.D. of the Gottman Institute, has researched couples for over 30 years. We call these small moments “bids for connection”. John Gottman’s research team found that the happiest, most solid relationships, have the most constant flow of bids for connection and positive responses to those bids.
These bids are like money in an emotional bank account. What does a withdrawal from the bank account look like? We all get grouchy, we all get in arguments, and none of us can make and return bids for connection all the time. If we’ve been trying our best to make and return those bids whenever we can, day by day, our relationships have the resiliency to get through those other days.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts about this post. Do you consciously make these small daily efforts? Do they come naturally to you, or do you have to give yourself a push?
Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected.
Relationships and Communication 