The vast majority of couples have a lot less sex and sexual desire for each other after the first year. Not a news flash. For some couples, that decrease in sexual frequency isn’t a problem, and both people are pretty comfortable with the amount of sex they’re having. But for a lot of couples, the decrease in desire and in sex feels upsetting, and may even feel like evidence that they have failed at sex.
Ester Perel, couples therapist and author of Mating in Captivity, talks about how having an excellent bond doesn’t always equal having an excellent sex life. For a lot of couples, long-term commitment seems to bring with it a lack of innovation, a lack of spontaneity, and an abandonment of attempts to woo each other.
In order to bring back the desire, many couples find that they need to work at it. In the beginning of relationships, people actually DO tend to do a lot of work to have sex with their partner, and to make that sex work well. It just seems effortless because desire and arousal levels are so high. Many couples have to accept that sex won’t come quite as easily over the long haul, and that its ok to put some work into your sex life. Is it possible to embrace this as part of the evolution of your relationship, rather than as a failure? You may need to change your mindset around success and failure in your sex life. It isn’t a failure if you have to set aside time for sex, or remind yourself to dress up on a date with your partner. Failure is when you or your partner feels dissatisfied or unwanted. Success is finding a way to keep your sexual connection alive.
Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email or find out more about how I help couples stay connected.
Relationships and Communication 