Couples: Can You Tolerate the Negative Stuff?

Can you tolerate the negative stuff?

One of the markers of couples who can make it through rough patches is an ability to tolerate each other’s most difficult feelings.  If you can tolerate your partner’s sadness, anger, and anxiety, then you don’t need to push your partner away when you see those feelings coming.  I don’t mean that you just need to put up with your partner’s negative emotions, I mean that you have to actually accept those emotions and be willing to tune in to your partner at those painful moments.

If your partner knows they can be near you when they feel sad or anxious, they see you as a safe haven.  They don’t hold back parts of themselves or parts of their experiences.  This leads to deeper trust and intimacy.  You may feel squeamish reading this, and you may believe that you shouldn’t be responsible for your partner’s feelings or bad moods.  What I’m talking about is accepting and attuning to your partner, but not taking those feelings on yourself, or fixing your partner’s problems.  Sometimes you can show this kind of acceptance without saying a word.  Just try staying near your partner when they look sad or complain. That alone can help your partner feel understood and loved.

In a few days I’ll talk about something else we need to tolerate; something that can also make a big difference: tolerating two points of view.

To find out more about how I help couples stay connected and get through conflict, visit my practice website at

Sexual Desire in Your Long Term Relationship

The vast majority of couples have a lot less sex and sexual desire for each other after the first year.  Not a news flash.  For some couples, that decrease in sexual frequency isn’t a problem, and both people are pretty comfortable with the amount of sex they’re having.  But for a lot of couples, the decrease in desire and in sex feels upsetting, and may even feel like evidence that they have failed at sex.

Ester Perel, couples therapist and author of Mating in Captivity, talks about how having an excellent bond doesn’t always equal having an excellent sex life.  For a lot of couples, long-term commitment seems to bring with it a lack of innovation, a lack of spontaneity, and an abandonment of attempts to woo each other.

In order to bring back the desire, many couples find that they need to work at it.  In the beginning of relationships, people actually DO tend to do a lot of work to have sex with their partner, and to make that sex work well. It just seems effortless because desire and arousal levels are so high.  Many couples have to accept that sex won’t come quite as easily over the long haul, and that its ok to put some work into your sex life.  Is it possible to embrace this as part of the evolution of your relationship, rather than as a failure? You may need to change your mindset around success and failure in your sex life.  It isn’t a failure if you have to set aside time for sex, or remind yourself to dress up on a date with your partner.  Failure is when you or your partner feels dissatisfied or unwanted.  Success is finding a way to keep your sexual connection alive.

 

 

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email or find out more about how I help couples stay connected.

 

 

What Leads to Betrayal for Couples?

John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute have been doing research lately about betrayal in couples.    They have been studying what leads up to betrayal, and how to heal from it effectively.  As always, they use their research to figure out how to help real couples.  Let’s start with that first question: What leads one partner to betray another?  One surprise the Gottmans uncovered is that conflict avoidance with your partner can lead to betrayal.  Avoiding conflict, or not speaking up when something is bothering you, is in a sense keeping a secret.  Over time, conflict avoidance can make you feel more and more accustomed to keeping secrets from your partner.  Getting into the habit of keeping small secrets makes it too easy to create a larger secret life, and that can lead to betrayal.

As much as we all hate arguing, this research shows us that we need to talk about the difficult stuff.  It’s important to know how to get through conflict without damaging your relationship.  Thanks to the work of the Gottmans, we know that all the work we do to learn good conflict management skills is helping prevent distance and betrayal in our relationships.

Visit my practice website at

www.annieschuessler.com

to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples get better at arguing.

Moving In Together: The Best and Worst of Times

Most couples I’ve met have a lot of struggle in the process of moving in together. This struggle often catches couples by surprise because they see moving in as such a positive step.  A lot of times, the arguments are about whose things go where, how to handle chores, and different approaches to money.  Those are valid things to argue about.  But usually underneath those arguments are bigger fears and hopes.

 

One common argument is about how to merge your stuff.  Here’s an example.  Tina feels resentful that Tom doesn’t want to put up her painting.  He says there isn’t room and it doesn’t go with the space.  Yes, she is upset about the painting, she feels hurt and resentful because she’s having fear about being loved and important to her partner.  Perhaps this increase in commitment has made that fear more tender, so the painting issue brings it right on up.

 

Here’s another example of a common struggle: During the exhausting moving process, John snaps at Jane about feeling that he’s doing more than his fair share of the work.  Jane gets angry in return, and an argument about who’s done what escalates.  John may have a fear of being lonely and uncared for, and that Jane won’t be there for him.  He has a hope that this relationship will continue to grow and that they will be able to rely on each other.  So that fear gets triggered just by doing some of the moving work alone.

 

In moving in together, it’s important to remember that you are both likely to be more edgy and vulnerable.  When we know what the deeper fears are under our arguments, we have a better chance to get comfort and actually get our needs met.

 

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected through the stresses of life.

 

 

Arguing in a Rut: Why is it So Hard To Change How We Fight?

I’ll start with something that doesn’t seem related to our arguments, but you’ll see why it is.

Dan Ariely, professor of psychology at Duke University studied people’s relationships with their dentists.  It turns out that the more money we spend with our dentist, and the more painful treatments we receive, the more loyal we are, and the less we question the diagnoses and recommendations our dentists make.  He also discovered that our dentists are correct only about 50% of the time when diagnosing which teeth have cavities in need of being filled.  We tend to be more loyal to our dentists than other professionals who hurt us less.

Why?

When we have invested ourselves in something painful and costly, we really want to believe all that suffering has been for a good reason.  So we have a hard time questioning those decisions.  Ariely likens this to Stockholm syndrome.

How does this relate to arguing with your most beloved?  Even though we want to stop arguing so much or so painfully, perhaps there is a part of us that says, “I’ve put in this much painful energy, this is no time to stop.   Questioning our harshest criticisms and most self-righteous positions with our partners might feel like a risky thing to do because we’ve invested so much already.

Giving up on being right may feel like admitting defeat.  Digging in our heels might feel like the right thing to do, even though it leads to so much anguish.

So in this case, it’s not a person we’re being irrationally loyal to, it’s a position and a set of beliefs.  So I’m curious: Are there any old beliefs that you might be holding on to, that perhaps don’t really help you or your relationship? Would you feel you’d lost too much if you softened some of your judgments or questioned your own righteousness?

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples change the way they argue

Relationship Role Models: Why They Help

Do you look up to any couples?  Is there a couple out there, near or far, who seem to have a relationship you would aspire to?  I think we all need that.  I don’t recommend comparing ourselves to others.  We don’t see the dirty laundry or private flaws of other couples, so comparisons can make us feel bad.  It’s not comparison I’m talking about.  It’s inspiration.

My friends Valerie and George have been together for about 40 years.  They seem to make the world feel like a party.  They giggle together, show affection for each other, and they flirt.  They volunteer and don’t brag about it.  They do things together, and they do things apart.  They adore each other.

This couple inspires me because my relationship is younger than 40 years old, and it helps to hold them in my mind as a possibility.  They show me that it’s possible to have a lot of fun with your long-term partner after several decades, and that you can continue to make meaning together.

Maybe your parents had a happy relationship when you were growing up.  That gives you a great boost, because you know what is possible, and you know what a healthy relationship looks like.  If you grew up without that kind of role model, you can still find it.  Take a look around and see who has the kind of relationship you admire.

These role model couples are useful when we’re feeling frustrated or stuck with our partners.  We can hold a role model couple in our minds and ask, “How would they handle this situation?”  In the case of Valerie and George, the answer is usually that they would laugh.

 

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected.

 

Little Things to Help Your Relationship Work

Kissing your partner as they are leaving in the morning, texting hello at 11 a.m., asking “how was your day?”, making eye contact as your partner tells a story, making 2 cups of coffee instead of one, saying thanks for taking the trash out, kissing your partner good night.  These little, mundane actions (and things like them) are a HUGE part of what make our relationships work.  John Gottman, Ph.D. of the Gottman Institute, has researched couples for over 30 years.  We call these small moments “bids for connection”.  John Gottman’s research team found that the happiest, most solid relationships, have the most constant flow of bids for connection and positive responses to those bids.

These bids are like money in an emotional bank account. What does a withdrawal from the bank account look like?  We all get grouchy, we all get in arguments, and none of us can make and return bids for connection all the time.  If we’ve been trying our best to make and return those bids whenever we can, day by day, our relationships have the resiliency to get through those other days.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts about this post.  Do you consciously make these small daily efforts?  Do they come naturally to you, or do you have to give yourself a push?

Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected.

 

Arguing with Your Partner? Or Really with Your Sibling?

You grew up with a brother who was your mother’s favorite.  Or you were always expected to be the responsible one because you were oldest.  Or you grew up thinking you were stupid because your sister was identified as extraordinarily smart.  These kinds of assigned roles and rivalries help to form not just our sibling relationships, but also how we see ourselves.  We sometimes respond to our partners in ways that come from our sibling relationships.  When you argue with your partner, it can be as if your siblings are sitting at the table with you.

 

For example, when Sally, an oldest sister, can’t get her partner to get something done, she might feel burdened and alone, and like a bit of a martyr.  She doesn’t realize a big part of what she’s reacting to is not her partner, but her little brother who she always had to take care of.  She’s simply tired of being the responsible one, and she’s not going to take it any more!

 

Meanwhile, her partner, Samantha, hears Sally’s requests as orders.  She feels criticized, nagged and unappreciated.  But she’s also not just responding to Sally.  She was the middle kid, and she never got much attention from her parents.  She saw her role in the family as being the “bad kid.”  When Sally and Samantha argue, they don’t realize there are 3 other people there with them!

 

We all struggle with these old roles that don’t fit anymore.  The best thing we can do for our current relationships is to know when our buttons are getting pushed.  When we know our buttons have been pushed, we can get back to what’s happening with our real partners in real time.  Sometimes it’s hard to know you’re reacting to an old sibling dynamic until after you’ve had an argument.  That’s okay.  If you figure it out after the argument this time, you’ll be more likely to figure it out during the argument next time, and eventually, before the argument has a chance to start.  It took quite a few years to form those sibling roles and rivalries, so you have to give yourself some time to get out from under them.

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts and reactions.  Visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com to send me an email, or to find out more about how I help couples stay connected.

 

Arguing Stinks: Stuck in the Spin Cycle

Arguing is tough because there’s a lot going inside of both of you.  Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and author of Hold Me Tight, tells us that when you’re in an argument with your partner, you’ve got different levels of emotion going on. The obvious layer, the one that your partner sees, is your anger or your shutting down. And under that are some other, more vulnerable feelings. We all tend to get caught in these cycles where we are exhibiting one kind of feeling or behavior, like anger (shouting, fuming), and we’re experiencing something else our partner doesn’t even know about. That more hidden emotion is usually hurt, sadness, fear of inadequacy, or one of those emotions we really hate to feel.

So here’s an example: John wants to spend the evening out with some friends, and he tells Joe that he won’t be home until late. From there, they get caught in a cycle neither is aware of, but that is totally overwhelming to both of them. Here’s how their conversation goes:
Joe: (in a harsh tone) That’s fine. I know you don’t ever want to spend time with me anymore, but whatever. You can do what you want.
John: (in a defensive tone) You’re being ridiculous. Now we’re having a big problem, and all I said is I’m going out tonight.
Joe: (shutting down completely) Fine!
John: Yeah, it is fine!
We’ve all been there. When we get hurt, or when we feel defensive, we want to protect ourselves, and we don’t want to risk getting hurt any further.
So what’s the experience underneath for Joe and for John? Joe feels rejected. When he hears that John’s going out with friends, he feels excluded and unwanted. And John feels unaccepted and criticized. When he hears Joe’s harsh tone, he gets a hopeless feeling, and fears that he can never get it right for Joe, that he’ll never be a good enough partner.
So what can we do? We’ve got to find ways to deliver those more vulnerable feelings. It takes a lot of trust. You have to believe that your partner will be able to speak to you from their own more vulnerable feelings in return. Sometimes this takes help from a therapist who knows how to get you and your partner talking from those more hidden feelings. If you want to know more about how this works, check out Sue Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight. She walks you, the reader, through some conversations to have with your partner. You can also feel free to contact me if you’re interested in learning more about the therapy method she created, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.
For more information about how I might help, visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com

How Much Alone Time is Normal?

Do you or your partner need “alone time?”  What does it mean to you when your partner asks for it?  Does it mean something negative about the relationship?

In the best of times in your relationship, one of you taking time to be alone doesn’t feel like a big deal.  You separate and think fondly of each other, and then reunite and feel close again.  But if you’re arguing and feeling less connected, the need for alone time starts to feel like a bad sign.  It starts to feel like alone time is really about taking time away from your partner rather taking time to decompress and relax.

We like to think there’s an optimal standard of how things are done in healthy relationships.  Sometimes people ask me what’s normal.  How much time should be spent separately and how much together? There isn’t a right answer.  We each need a different amount of alone time to refuel and relax.  This is kind of like how we each have a very slightly different normal body temperature.  Some of us are a bit above 98.6, and some of us are a bit below.  In this case, the difference can be labeled being an introvert or an extrovert.

If you’re an introvert, spending a lot of time with people tires you.  Too little time alone, and you start to feel irritable, distracted, and less open to the people you’re with.  If you’re an extrovert, you tend to get energy by spending a lot of time with people.  Too much alone time, and you feel bored, lonely, and unmotivated.  We all fit somewhere on this continuum between introvert and extrovert.  We each have a balance that feels right between time alone and time with people.  At the beginning of a relationship, even a hard-core introvert may want very little time alone.  Being close to that new love feels so irresistible that a need for alone time temporarily goes to the back burner.  But at some point, often after three to six months, that need for alone time wriggles its way back in, regardless of how happy the relationship is.  When you’ve got an introvert and an extrovert together, you’ve got to understand those different needs.

If alone time has become the source of hurt feelings or arguments, you’ve got to learn, with an open mind, what it is that alone time does for each of you.  Talk about what you think your optimal balance is, and make sure you’re not talking as if your balance is right, or that your partner’s optimal balance is wrong.  When you’re both open to the idea that it’s perfectly normal to have different needs about this, you’ll both be in a good state of mind to find solutions and compromise.

For more information about how I might help, visit my practice website at www.annieschuessler.com